White Noise
by Kathey27
Summary: Dean, Ruby and the fragments of yesterday. / Or, Ruby gazes at him from the couch with tired eyes and sighs because she is her mother. Waiting; always watching and waiting for him to return to her. They'll forever be out of sync and she doesn't know how to change that. How to handle that.
1. i said kiss me here and here and here

**A/N: This was inspired by the epic beauty of a novel _The Time Traveler's Wife_. While the movie was good, it didn't reach the awesomeness that was the book. And for those of you who've read the book and know the ending…I won't say whether or not I follow that ending because it'd give this whole thing away really.**

**Oh and another big inspiration for this fic were the songs, "Skinny Love" the cover version by Lindsey Pavao and "Ships in the Night" by Mat Kearney; the latter is basically the theme song to this little story. Thanks a ton Becky for introducing me to this song!**

**Anywho, Dean/Ruby, of course and this is set – mostly – season 3 to season 4, AU like the summary says.**

**I hope this lives up to the epic love story that is Clare and Henry and the epic tragedy that is Ruby and Dean.**

**Disclaimer: If I owned anything Dean and Ruby would have had a chance; they would have had a chance to have it all.**

**xxxxxx**

_"Clare: It's hard being left behind. I wait for Henry, not knowing where he is, wondering if he's okay. It's hard being the one who stays."_

-The Time Traveler's Wife, Audrey Niffenegger

**xxxxxx**

**i said kiss me here and here and here and you did:**

_"What do you do for a living Mr. Dean?"_

_"…I travel."_

xxxxxx

It all comes full circle the summer of '07.

Ruby had known this day would come; of course she had. She just hadn't expected it to go the way it did or come as quickly as it did. The year 2007 had been marked on her calendar for the past two years in bright red sharpie surrounded in little black hearts. Of course the calendar's long gone by now but still…she remembered.

It's in Nebraska and it's about a week after a devil's gate been cracked open and it all happens accidently really.

She's only there as a favor to Bobby and has never even meet the infamous Winchesters but when she does…she'd known this day would come, but not like this.

(_"What's your last name?"_

_"Not important."_

_"But your last name defines you. It's part of who you are; of course it's important."_

_"…you'll know it, one day."_

_"In the future Mr. Dean?"_

_"In the future."_)

"Ruby," Bobby's gruff voice breaks through. "This here are Dean and Sam."

Sam's just how she'd imagined, just how he'd described. Tall and warm and soft and gentle. He shakes her hand softly and slowly, offering a small smile. "Nice to meet you; we can use all the help we can get."

Then Dean's there and…_okay, breathe, breathe because having a panic attack will help no one and he doesn't know you, not yet, not here. _She sticks her hand out and meets the eldest Winchester's gaze. "Welcome to the party sweetheart." He supplies and his voice…oh god, his voice…

A low smirk – his low smirk – finds its way onto her lips. "Same here cowboy."

She hopes he doesn't catch the tremor.

xxxxxx

_(Dean-32, Ruby-18)_

"_Two years? That's…" She paused and moved away from his touch; focusing on the flickering street lamp instead. It was dark and chilly out by that time of night and she knew it was possible that if she looked away, for even a moment, he could be gone when she turned back around. But all her brain was really processing at the moment was _he's leaving me, he's leaving me.

_He ignored this and reached forward and clasped her arms, spinning her to him. She didn't fight his hold and allowed him to pull her forward, away from the view of others and into the shadows her house provided._

_"Only two. Then we'll meet and time will be caught up." He promised, hazel eyes warm and inviting. She leaned into him automatically, seeking the warmth and comfort only he could provide. "…just two?"_

_He nodded. "Just two."_

_"…will I get to meet Sam?"_

_"'Course."_

_She pulled back and despite how hard she was trying to keep it all in check, she was only eighteen and while being as strong as she was, she was still just teenage girl inside. "You won't remember me." She whispered, voice dry and sad._

_He frowned and ran his fingers once more through her golden hair. "Ruby Anne, you better help me."_

_Before she could lean in for a final kiss, he was gone and she was left with only a small pile of clothes._

xxxxxx

It's three days into the hunt and she's still to say a word to him.

Ruby had promised herself before hand that she was going to be brave and strong and hard for them both but…what if he doesn't want her? For crying out loud, he doesn't even know her, not like she knows him. She knows his favorite song – his real favorite one, the one that used to put him to bed – and she knows his favorite diner and she knows his favorite memory and band and smell and all the little things that all together add up to one really big thing. She knows it all. Sure he's young, maybe younger than she's ever seen him and he doesn't have any memories yet but she can wait. She'll wait forever.

She stops tormenting herself the afternoon of the third day while Sam's out getting photocopies of some old documents on the Sins that they "absolutely need, dean. don't be such a freakin' jerk" and Bobby's stocking up the cars with more holy water.

Dean's there and he's flipping through some weird magazine and chewing on licorice and she just can't take it anymore. She walks towards him, her hands clasped before her.

"Need something Rubes?"

Her lips twitch. Two years, two long, long years since hearing that nickname escape those lips. Of course his voice is lighter now, less gruff and pained and for that she's grateful.

"I know you."

His gaze tears itself away from the glossy pages and towards her. He pauses, mid-chew. "…Huh?"

"I know you…from before. You – you visited me when I was younger." She whispers and picks up the journal that'd been leaning on the edge of her bed.

A second before it clicks. The licorice falls from his lips. "Ruby – "

"Ruby Anne."

"What?"

"My name. It's really Ruby Anne. I–I haven't heard you say it in two years. Can you – can you say it?"

"…it's nice to meet you, again, Ruby Anne."

A watery smile. "You have no freakin' idea."

xxxxxx

_(Dean-30, Ruby-18)_

_"You know me right? When I'm older?" She called from her bathroom, standing in front of the door separating them both. She heard a faint ruffle of sheets and then a couple of footsteps before there was once again silence. "…yeah."_

_"Am I like my parents?" She tried to keep the disdain out of her voice because she knew it bothered him sometimes but the one thing Ruby Anne Stevens did not want was to live like her mother. To stay home and wait for her husband's safe return, not knowing, always waiting…_

_"…there's no right answer to that, is there?"_

_She leaned her forehead against the wooden barrier and repressed a growl as she started running her fingers through her wet hair. "Am I at least happy? Do I have a good life?"_

_Her only response was a faint thud and by the time she figured out what had happened and had the door open, he was gone._

xxxxxx

"How many – " He pauses, takes a breath in and then tries again. "How many times did I see you?"

"A-about forty a year. It's all jumbled up really and I tried to keep track of it all but I was just a kid then and you tried to get me to take this all seriously but I – " She would have continued to babble if he hadn't stop her.

"Ruby. Breathe."

She offers a sharp smile before doing so and nodding. "In total, it was around five hundred visits in a span of eleven years. They stopped when I was eighteen; you told before I saw you again it'd be a while and that – that you wouldn't know me. Something about time lines and history and whatnot."

He leans back into the spare chair and lets out a low sigh. "That's…that's a lot of history."

A genuine smile falls on her lips, "Yeah."

"Can you – can you tell me about them? Not, not a lot, I know you can't but just…little things?"

"Sure," The smile widens into a grin as she moves forward, opening up the journal. "I first saw you when I was seven but for you it was first when I was around thirteen and…"

xxxxxx

_(Dean-32, Ruby-17)_

_"What does it feel like?" She asked, leaning back against the tree behind her._

_Dean was just a few feet away, lacing up the regular boots on the grass. He'd arrived later than usual and her dad had almost caught him on the back lawn, naked and trying to find a place to hide. Luckily she'd gotten down in time to stop her old man from shooting him up. Her father, while a great firefighter, was too easily distracted for his own good._

_"What?" He grunted, gazing at her youthful face in confusion. She kept the gaze and resisted the urge to sigh; he looked older than last time. At least thirty-two now. And his voice was harder, had more steel to it. She didn't ask what caused the change._

_"Traveling. Seeing places, different times. How is it?" She pleaded because she _needed_ to know what she was to him. It'd been ten years and still, he wouldn't give her a clear answer. There had been the faint kisses on foreheads and brushes of hands with younger and older Deans but it wasn't enough. It was never enough._

_He paused and his hazel eyes became all that more piercing. He crawled over to where she was and leaned into her side, gazing over at the side of the house. "White noise. All of it; it's all nothing." He whispered finally._

_"All of it?" She picked at the grass blades beneath her jeans and stabbed down with her bowie knife harshly. Stupid dirt._

_"Except you." He gave in return. The knife slipped down to the ground and she lifted her eyes. She barely had time to close her eyes before he was leaning forward and softly pressing his lips to hers._

xxxxxx

Sam comes back from the print shop to find his brother shirtless on Ruby's bed and Ruby tracing his scars lightly, softly, slowly, as if knowing the story behind them all.

"What are you two – " That's as far as he gets.

Dean looks up, wonder in his eyes and speaks lowly: "She knows."

The copies fall to the ground.

xxxxxx

_(Dean-30, Ruby-17)_

_Ruby eyed the pants before her, shook her head and then reached once more into her dad's dresser for another pair that wasn't broken up or beat down. Alas, for a firefighter, clothes were usually what didn't make it to the end of the day what with all the soot and ash and fire. She was about to close the drawer and move onto another one when a sharp knock came from the window sill and she turned to find Dean, naked and all, standing there, waving like an idiot._

_She rushed forward and let him in, too mad to even take in his lack of clothing. "Are you insane?"_

_"What? You weren't outside, I figured you were probably here." He defended himself, immediately reaching for the boxers spread out on the foreign bed._

_"And if it had been my dad? You would have been shot off the roof."_

_He scoffed while grabbing the t-shirt. "I can duck."_

_"Can you duck the fall down?"_

_He held his hand out for pants but only received a blank look. "Sorry, thirty year old you broke them last week. I'm trying to find a new pair now." She snapped, turning back to the rows of drawers before her. "Oh come on Rubes, don't be mad. I'm careful." He pleaded, falling down onto the bed and spreading his limbs out slowly. He shot her back a small smirk from his new position._

_A snort escaped her lips right away, her pink lips turning up in a sneer. "You're Dean, that doesn't mean much to me."_

_"What's that supposed to mean baby cakes?"_

_She froze, and her knuckles turned white from her hold on the poor dresser before it. It creaked beneath her hands. "…don't call me that. Ever."_

_Silence._

_"So…what can we do while pantless today?"_

xxxxxx

Ruby's known Dean and has heard about Sam basically all of her life. She once upon a time went to sleep being held in strong arms, being told stories of a brave little brother in lieu of lullabies. She can recite to you for hours everything she knows about those two and never get tired because them? Those two? They're what kept her going during that two-year hiatus. Through his leaving and the death of her parents and her molding herself into a hunter…they were it.

But they don't know her.

They don't know her favorite song or diner or memory or any of the little things, not like she does.

And she gets this, she does. She has a lifetime of memories that he hasn't experienced yet and Sam will never get to and she's trying to be understanding and give him space but just the sight of his slightly unscarred eyes and burn free arm has her spinning away.

This is all why she agreed to this date, hangout, session thingy.

Now that the case is done and the Sins are gone Dean seems to think it's an appropriate time to discuss their…past.

And she's all for this. She is. She wants to get to know them, the present them and let them know her and become a part of their world. But…what if there's no room for her? One thing she knows for a fact, above all else, is that Sam always comes first.

Sam is everything to Dean. It's the way the world works. The way this story was written, planned out. Sam is all there is and all there will ever be; Dean's _soulmate_. (Now ain't that a scary thought?).

Ruby's okay with this, as long as she has _some _ground to stand on.

(She has nothing to worry about. By the end of the day, Sam and her are in deep discussion about James Joyce's Ulysses and how utterly mind-fucking it was and Dean won't stop gazing at her with sparkly eyes).

xxxxxx

_(Dean-36, Ruby-16)_

_"Can you do my Biology?"_

_Dean gave her a very unimpressed smirk and leaned down further into the grass. "I skipped most of Bio. All I ever got out of that class was something called lactic acid or whatever."_

_She wrinkled her nose and went back to her homework, muttering the occasional curse beneath her breath. He'd been around for over six hours and the last time he'd been around that long, she'd ended up not getting any work done. She was determined to do something productive this time. Then again, that might be a bit easier to accomplish if he stopped stroking her sides every few seconds._

_She squirmed away from his touch only to have him move to her hair, twirling it around his fingers and…sniffing it?_

_She gave up and let him be; she's learned over the years not to question his obsession with her hair. And besides, when he'd appeared by their tree, dressed and ready she could tell he was tired. And not his usual tired either. It was more like a weight pressing down on his chest, suffocating him and leaving his eyes bleak and his voice dry and his touch pleading._

_She didn't like him this way._

_When his hands slipped down to her neck, trailing her spine, she fought of the shiver wanting to run through her body and locked eyes with him._

_"You know, if you're bored, you can always, I don't know, go find present you. Hang out with him."_

_The look he sent her was tempered at best._

_"When I need to go to him, I do. Right now? Here? I'm with you." There's that dry voice._

_The weight gets shifted to her chest and she can't breathe. She wanted to ask what was haunting him; wanted to know why any version of him 35 and older was so broken and beaten, more so than the rest. She figured she was finally old enough to know._

_She closed her textbook instead and leaned further into his touch. She could do homework and pry later._

xxxxxx

Ruby knows Dean. Or at least, will know him. Whatever.

Sam? All she knows of Sam is what she's been told by her Deans. Little small snippets that held half-truths, half fantasies; the prideful boastings of an older brother.

All she knows of Sam is secondary.

This is why it's so important to her that she gets to know him now.

She'd asked, when she was younger, when she was getting visited on a regular basis, if she could go find Sam. But every time, the Dean with her said no. Something about her not being ready, Sam not being ready, it not being time…there was always an excuse.

But now? Now that they know her and seem to somewhat accept her? She's going to fight tooth and nail to keep them. To get back to where she'd been with Dean before the two year hiatus; back to the long talks and the walks and the inside jokes and the soft kisses and the body caresses and the stolen whispers (and the desperate confessions when he thought she was asleep). But in order to get there, she has to find common ground with Sam. Common ground besides hunting and books. Because there is no way Dean will let her in unless Sam does first. That's the way it is.

In the back of her mind, on those lonely nights awaiting Dean's return, she'd known she'd need to find an in with Sam. Without Sam there is no Dean. This she knows.

This is the reason for her tracking them down and finding them outside of Ohio, tentative smile in place and bowie knife hidden in her boots.

The look on the younger Winchester's face is a cross between shock and pleasure. She decides to focus on the pleasure. "Ruby, hey, what are you – ?"

"Have lunch with me." She isn't known for her shyness.

Sam's hesitant look is replaced by an amused one. "Sure."

They end up in a small diner just out of town and it's awkward for the first few minutes before he leans forward, green eyes piercing and serious and asks:

"So, are you here for like, my blessing or something? To date Dean? Because you can, I mean you do have it. My blessing that is."

She fights and beats down the smile pushing to break free.

"No. Actually, I wanted to spend some time with you. Get to know you, talk. Nothing special."

They hold gazes for a few seconds before his eyes shift slightly and she understands that he understands. He knows what Dean means to her, knows how important this is to her, how long she's waited for this. He's on her side.

Sam breaks the gaze and picks up the menu tentatively. "Want about some fries? My treat."

Ruby allows the smile to break free.

**xxxxxx**

**A/N: Updates for this are going to be slow... snail slow... worse than my early multi-chapter updates slow and those were SLOW. Just a small warning.**


	2. i built a home for you, for me

**A/N: Okay, I won't lie, I had a really, _really _hard time editing this chapter and finding what I wanted to say. But…then I rewatched some 11th Doctor and just watching Amy and Rory be perfect together was what I needed to continue writing. This chapter is for the Ponds.**

**Disclaimer: Because Dean and Ruby could have had a romance to rival the Ponds. _Yeah_, I went there.**

**xxxxxx**

_"Clare: I won't ever leave you, even though you're always leaving me."_

-The Time Traveler's Wife, Audrey Niffenegger

**xxxxxx**

**i built a home for you, for me****:**

_(Dean-32, Ruby-16)_

_The conversation goes like this:_

_"Dean?"_

_"Hmm?"_

_"Are my parents divorced in the future?" She asked this quietly and slowly and it's only really because she can hear the arguments and the insults flung around when she's supposed to be asleep and she needed to know it all turns out okay. She needed to know that she didn't have to worry about her family's future._

_He paused, glancing up from the grass and shook his head, eyes twinkling with something dark in his eyes. "You know I can't – "_

_"No." She interrupted. "I mean, I know you can't tell me anything really but…can you just tell me if it's okay?"_

_Silence._

_"Mom's pregnant and they think I don't know and I need you to tell me," she cleared her throat, breaking the eye contact and glancing away. "I need you to tell me that I'll wake up one day and not feel like running away."_

_There was a pause before his hand reached out and caught her chin in his palm, tilting it upwards towards him. He shot her a dazzling smile, teeth bright and all and it nearly took her breath away. "Ruby Anne Stevens, believe me when I say you'll be fine. Trust me, you are going to be amazing."_

_She tried desperately to ignore the wild beating of her heart and tried to focus on his face, not the feel of his skin on hers. "You're amazing."_

_A bark of laughter escaped him at this, causing him to release her and lean back. "I don't know about amazing – "_

_She allowed a wide smirk to overtake her face. "Please, don't try and be modest with me. I know who you are."_

_He shook his head, returning to his grass._

_"I bet Sam thinks you're amazing."_

_And just like that the air was gone from the moment. She could see him visibly deflate and whatever joy had been on his face prior was gone now. She ignored his shaking hands._

_"Sammy's…he's not really with me right now." This gets pushed out a minute later and she tried not to inch closer._

_"…did he get lost?" What else can she ask?_

_A ghost of a smile. "Yeah Ruby Anne, he's lost."_

_"Well you're going to find him, right? That's what you two do. Find each other."_

_He reached across the gap and took her hand in his. "Yeah…I'll find him."_

xxxxxx

Ruby's only been hunting for a few years now. She's practically a novice. All she's ever fought against were Wendigos, a couple of vampires and a handful of ghosts. Compared to Dean and Sam? She's _nothing_.

Except for the fact that before Dean vanished from her life, before he left her to heal on her own, she was trained by him, quietly. Slowly molded into a strong amazon woman with a quick hand and vicious kick and stony resolve. She was taught by the best and that makes all the difference.

All of this is why she wants to currently bash his head in.

"No."

"I'm not _asking_ you, dumbass. I'm not a freakin' child."

"I'm not asking either and like Hell you're going – "

"I can handle my damn self Winchester. Been on my own for a long while."

"Yeah, well, who's fault is that?"

She wants to scream, wants to kick and shout and tell him _yours. it's your fault because you left and i was alone and you taught me a lot but not what i really needed to know. you taught me how to fight not how to kill and i almost didn't survive._

This is what she tells him, what she screams, "Just because you've got a stick up your ass doesn't mean I'm incompetent! I was taught by the best!"

All he has for her here is a sharp sneer and she quietly notes Sam exiting the motel room swiftly and silently.

"Oh yeah, sweetheart and what joker would that be exactly?"

Ruby pauses and uncrosses her arms, letting a familiar not hers smirk grace her lips. "You."

And that's all it takes. He backs away, white as a ghost and she knows she's playing dirty and she knows it's wrong, knows how he feels about his childhood and growing up hunting and his father and she hates that she's using it against him. Hates that it has to come to this and how sick he looks right now.

"No. No, I wouldn't…I would never – "

She picks up her knife, runs her fingers along the blade, remembers thick air and long hours and –

"I wasn't good with guns. You'd get so frustrated and annoyed and pissy." She shrugs. "But I was good with knifes. Scary good. You'd sometimes look at me like I was breaking you heart."

He turns his back to her and "fuck you."

She knows what he means to say is _you're breaking my heart right now._

She allows silence to fill the room for a second before approaching him, tentatively placing her hand between his shoulder blades and she knows apologizes do nothing for him. Knows that they mean nothing once it's passed a point and she passed that point a nice long while ago.

He doesn't flinch away.

"I love you." The words flow out easily and softly and a weight shifts from her shoulders. She'd been keeping the words back, afraid of scaring him off or shaking him or making him change his mind because come on? A girl you barely know, almost a decade younger than you telling you she's known you for years and that you're her everything? Yeah, no. But now…they feel right and there's no point in not saying them. It was always going to come to this. She's never been all that good at staying away from him.

He leaves. Exactly the reaction she'd expected so, no heartbreak there.

It's okay, she knows years from now, there's a him that loves her so much and so desperately and that's what keeps her from going after him.

She wins anyways.

(She goes with them and when the demon slips from their fingertips, she's there with her knife and high heels. She stands in front of them, loaming over their figures and there's blood splattered everywhere and they're gaping at her and she sighs because, really, boys.

"So, how about a date? I might even let you fuck me."

He nods numbly.)

xxxxxx

_(Dean-30 and 26, Ruby-16)_

_"Did you know that Monday is the most favored day for self destruction?"_

_Dean raised an eyebrow and a smirk fell over his lips. "Oh really, you learned that at Cheer Camp or something?"_

_She twitched her nose at him and gestured at the psychology book on her lap._

_"Okay child, far too young to be contemplating life and why some people are complete and total nut jobs."_

_She clutched the cover tightly and didn't comment on how she was clearly already a nut job if she spent most of her free time with a traveling man who most likely was a figment of her imagination. Freud would have a freakin' field day inside her mind._

_Instead, she choses to comment on: "Dean, why do you look so tired today?"_

_He sent her his best snarky glare but she was all but immune to it at this point, honestly._

_"Because Ruby Anne you're quite possibly the most mentally exhausting person I've ever met and I've known my Uncle for a nice good chunk of time."_

_She allowed her lips to copy his smirk, she'd been practicing, before crawling over to his side. "But you still love me best, right?"_

_And just like that the smile was gone and his eyes looked drained and she hadn't known it was possible for eyes to look that way, for the color to almost vanish out of them._

_"Yeah Rubes, I love you best."_

xxxxxx

So yeah, their first date.

It starts off with him almost dying because he is a Winchester through and through and she is a Stevens through and through and the Universe and the PTB can just go fuck themselves, okay?

They agree to meet up outside of her motel room and she can tell just by the look of him that he has a speech prepared. A full on _you're too young for this and you don't want me and i'm a Winchester all i'm good for is the sex and_ yeah, no.

She walks up to him, boot heels clicking against the pavement and raises an eyebrow, daring him to try and talk his way out of this date. She was a cheerleader for three whole years before everything went to shit and she can rechannel that bitchy like nothing if need be.

But before there is any need to pull out the bitchy there's a Ghoul and it's hungry and of course it recognizes Dean because of course before John Winchester bit the dust he managed to piss off anything and everything he ever came into contact with.

So yes, the first date starts with him almost dying and bleeding against her beautiful Mustang's leather and her slashes the Ghoul to pieces with her heels because she is that level of badass. The incredulous, almost impressed look he shoots her makes the gunk of her boots worth it. Almost.

(The date ends with him bandaged up, a pizza box left discarded and uncared for on the floor and Ruby straddling his lap).

xxxxxx

_(Dean-30, Ruby-15)_

_She could tell he could tell as soon as she walked out._

_"Dean – "_

_"Who was the little punk? Huh? Give me his name right now Ruby Anne and you don't have to – "_

_She sighed, blew hair out of her mouth and it might have even been endearing if she wasn't still high off of _first-kiss _fumes. He was killing her buzz._

_"His name is Dan and I like him and I kissed him so calm down, okay?"_

_At that, which she had hoped would have made him feel better, he threw his hands up and exclaimed loudly to the skies: "Really Universe, seriously? Not a Lucas, or a Jamie or even a Clay? A _Dan_? Oh screw you sideways."_

_She could only offer a confused and pissed off glare at that. As if he had any right whatsoever to criticize the name of her first official first. Seriously, where was her bowie knife when she needed it?_

_Having caught her glare he rolled his eyes, bit down a scoff and said, "The WB, in a few months. Tune in at 9." Pause. "Oh and don't you dare be Team Brooke."_

_She opted to keep her mouth shut on that one, not really wanting to know what babble he was spewing out, not that time. "Dean," And she didn't think she had ever sounded so tired with him. "What do you want?"_

_His lips thinned out, he took one step forward and cupped both her cheeks lightly. "How do you feel?"_

_And now that he was asking she felt hollow and drained inside. And she hated him for it. Hated that he could take this moment away from her with just a few simple sentences._

_"I feel tired." _You make me tired_ is what she didn't add on._

_She didn't get the chance to. The next thing she knew he was leaning forward and pressing a soft, short and sweet peck to her lips._

_He pulled back, looking extremely pleased with himself and that was _it_. She grabbed a hold of his jacket, yanked hard and then shoved him backwards as hard as she could._

_He ended up in the poison ivy and she ended up being Team Brooke._

xxxxxx

She finally decides to stop torturing them both after their ninth date by ripping a condom open with her teeth on the hood of his Impala.

This is how it goes:

He drops the burger bag and doesn't even notice Sam's strained groan as he steps on both of their dinners.

"Speak of the devil…"

She returns his twinkle eyed smirk with a shrug and casual flick of the prophylactic replied: "just dial HELL."

Sam's groan of disbelief can be heard from the background and his sigh of "going to get food. again. try not to fuck each other in front of any pedestrians."

Dean finishes the walk towards her and snatches the condom right out of her fingertips. With his teeth.

"Thought you were in Vermont taking care of some werewolves." He murmurs against her lips, fingers digging into her hips slowly.

"Finished up faster than I thought." She shoots back, creeping her arms through his, halting any further movement.

"So what, decided to come back and proposition me?"

"You saying no?"

They end up on his motel bed and as she crawls over to him, bottle at hand, she can feel the air crackle with electricity. Finally.

She pauses, takes a long haul from the bottle before letting it crash to the ground and finishing her journey over to him.

She pins both his hands above his head, presses butterfly kisses to his neck and sighs because, "You can still get out of this you know. If you try hard enough I might even let you go without too much of a fight."

Instead of responding, he flips them over, drags his teeth along her ribcage and makes her _scream_.

(Afterwards, once it's dark out and he's asleep and Sam's stopped pounding on the door, she reaches for his left arm and places her hand just where memory tells herhis brightest scar will be).


	3. there is molten lava between our teeth

**A/N: This one's coming out ridiculously sooner than it should but the next few weeks are going to be filled up with work and whatnot so I figured I should post it now before I forget about it.**

**Hope you all enjoy! Oh and soundtrack suggestion for this chapter? _Set Fire to the Third Bar_ by Snow Patrol.**

**Disclaimer: I wish I owned Jensen's abs and Katie's smile. Because… seriously people? It's not even fair.**

**xxxxxx**

_"Henry: I hate to be where she is not, when she is not. And yet, I am always going."_

-The Time Traveler's Wife, Audrey Niffenegger

**xxxxxx**

**there is molten lava between our teeth****:**

_(Dean-35, Ruby-15)_

_It was going to be a slow afternoon. Ruby could tell that much from the expression on Dean's face. He'd been quiet from the second he appeared, not even making one innuendo and took the clothes without complaint to their bright orange nature._

_That was her biggest clue. Dean _hated_ orange._

_She glanced over at his figure, where he had his head resting against the dining room table and let out a loud sigh._

_No response._

_She let out an even louder one._

_Nothing._

_She leaned forward, cupped her hands around her lips and – _

_"Jesus Christ kid, what is it?" He snapped, head bouncing upwards and hazel eyes glaring deeply at her. As soon as their eyes connected though his lost their malice and retained only a draining sense of solitude. She hated that look in them._

_"I just wanted to…" She nibbled on her sleeve and considered asking him to spar with her for a few seconds. Instead: "Why do you look so sad? Is something wrong with Sam?"_

_An attempt at a smile. "No darlin', baby bro's all right back in 2014."_

_"Then why do you look like someone just killed your car?"_

_He gaze a sharp chuckle at that and moved closer, one hand clutching the back of his new seat. There was a graze of fingertips along her temple. "…Nothing your sweet smile can't cure."_

_She leaned into the touch._

xxxxxx

Time passes and he's still around.

This, above all else, causes her chest to lighten on the bad days because she _finally _has him. She's finally able to breathe again because he's getting to know her and actually likes her and while she'll deny it to anyone who asks because she's Ruby and she sure as hell doesn't need anyone…it's nice knowing that when he looks at her, he's _looking at her_. And he can touch her now without guilt and the kisses are deeper and more meaningful now and it's all she's ever wanted.

This is where it all goes south.

She wakes up from sleep one day after Christmas to find Dean putting on pajama pants by the mini fridge, creeping slowly in his movements. She eyes him for a second before coming to the conclusion that he's present Dean.

"What year?" The question slips from her lips instantly and it gets him to turn around and focus on her.

He pauses for a second, as if trying to make sure she's really there. He does that a lot. "2000. It was…weird, seeing you that young. You were cute for thirteen."

She shrugs, resists the urge to call him a pedophile and lifts up the covers in invitation. They still had some ghouls to take care off when morning fell and she wasn't in the mood to waste sleep. "You'll get used to it."

He slips into the bed with her. "When do I see you next?"

She groans and rolls over onto her side. She considers putting the pillow over his mouth. "Go to sleep Dean."

"I can't, I'm too wired." And if he just doesn't sound like a little shit when he says this.

A few seconds of silence pass before: "Come on Ruby, it was fun. Tell me, is it next week? I know you have a list."

She contemplates making a quick get a way to Sam's room for a good night's sleep before remembering a few instances similar to this one. Sure, she'd been ten and he just might have been humoring her, but still. She knows exactly how to deal with him when he's like this.

"Come over here." She pats at her chest, ignores the strange look he shoots her and waits until his head is pressed against her. She runs her fingers through his hair a few times and then clears her throat before starting:

_"Missed the last train home. Birds pass by, to tell me that I'm not alone. Over pushing myself, to finish this part. Handle a lot, one thing I miss, it's in your eyes. In your eyes, in your eyes…"_

He's asleep ten minutes later.

xxxxxx

_(Dean-31, Ruby-14)_

_The summer of 2001 Ruby waited for Dean to appear out by their tree and was greeted by a seeming thirty-year old version fresh with wounds and promptly bleeding out before her._

_It was a minute before she rushed forward and fell down on her knees before him, hands falling right away on the most obvious wound. "D-dean?" She asked, voice shaky and weak and damn it, she hated that he could do that to her. She pressed down harder on his chest but the blood just continued to seep through her fingertips and _oh god, he's going to die. he's going to die and his family won't know because he's here with me and dear fuck i don't even know his last name!

_"P-present." He murmured through the blood in his mouth, leaning back into her touch._

_"Okay, okay, y-you need bandages and-and," She let out a throaty breath and pressed down harder on the wound. A lot good that did; the blood just poured out faster and harder. "Come on Ruby Anne, you've been trained for this."_

_A shaky, bloody hand clasped down on hers and got her attention. "B-bandages Rubes, lots a-and lots of them."_

_She nodded through foggy eyes and replaced her hands with his before sprinting off towards her house, glad for the first time in years that her parents were off on a date together._

_She grabbed as many bandages and gauze pads as she could hold from the emergency kit inside of the kitchen and raced back out, tripping over the grass and to his side. She tore open all the packages in a hurry, pressed them over the still bleeding wounds harshly, wiping them down with alcohol as she went._

_"How did you even manage to do all of this?" She asked slowly once the bleeding was under control and he was shaking less. He met her gaze weakly and cleared his throat twice before answering: "Lilith…the, the seals."_

_She frowned and shook her head a few times. "What? Dean, Dean you're not making any sense."_

_He leaned back into her once more and tried again, "Ruby, you have to be careful, she's coming and I can't protect you, not like Cas can and – "_

_She never does get her answer._

xxxxxx

Ruby finds out about the deal from Sam while Dean's off again, lost in time somewhere.

He doesn't mean to say it, she can tell, but it's too late and now she knows.

"A year? Only…only a year?"

Sam stutters and holds his hands before him, as if trying to placate her. "Ruby I'm sorry I'm so sorry, I thought he'd told you and – "

"But that's – that's impossible because I've seen him at thirty-two alive and kicking and that's not…Sam?" Her eyes are shadowed with tears and her throat is closing up and she can't really breathe around the lump in her heart.

Sam holds her as the tears slide down both of their faces.

xxxxxx

_(Dean- 31, Ruby-14)_

_"Why do you keep leaving?" She asked as she set down her set of cards, frowning when she saw he had a full house. She fought back to the urge to throw something sharp at him._

_He paused and dealt out another hand. "…it's complicated kid." He gave slowly, playing with the leather chain around his neck casually._

_"I'm fourteen, not a kid or an idiot." She scoffed and pushed back the blonde strands that were threatening to blind her._

_"Oh really?" He smirked, hazel eyes twinkling deeply and mischievously._

_"Yes and I think it's time I know. I mean, I know it's in your genes or whatever so it's probably scientific and out of your control and I mean, who would choose to jump through time and – "_

_"What makes you say I don't have a choice?" He cut in, voice still casual but gaze now empty and cold._

_She swallowed. "Well, do you?"_

_He didn't respond for a while as he set down his cards and leaned backwards onto the grass. "I don't know. This…whatever it is, my dad was never able to find out much of anything on it. I mean, my Uncle's tried before, plenty of times before to find a cure or an answer but no dice. I jump time. Plain and simple."_

_"Is Sam like you?" She asked next because she knew any mention of his brother would get him smiling._

_It worked. "Nah, he's a whole other level of freak."_

_She considered her next question more carefully. "Why do you keep coming back to me?"_

_He turned his head over to meet hers and as he did this she leaned forward and placed her hand over the handprint burn on his arm. It wasn't a match._

_"I guess you're important." He whispered._

_She grinned and leaned down besides him; it wasn't the answer she'd been hoping for, but it was good enough for now._

xxxxxx

It's been weeks and he still hasn't returned so when a body slumps down before her, Ruby jumps forward, angry and tired.

She can see new scars and lines around his eyes and that still mysterious handprint on his arm and knows that this isn't her Dean. Hers, but not _now_ hers.

"Explain. Now." She growls, throwing at him a pair of shorts and a sweater.

Dean catches them effortlessly and frowns over at her as he put them on. "What year is this?" He asks in a dry and rough voice. He looks too tired to deal with her; she doesn't care.

"January 2008. Explain."

The frown falls and gets replaced by a hard look. "Ruby Anne – "

"No. Don't. Just…just tell me how we can break your deal, that's all. You obviously live so we must have found a way."

"Ruby, you know I can't tell you anything like that." He says and leans forward to take her face in his hands. (He's older, harder, different but his touch is still as gentle and warm as always). She lets him because despite the anger, the tired was definitely outweighing it at the moment. "I can't lose you again. Please, tell me how to fix this." She pleads and before she knows it, there are tears in her eyes.

"…there's nothing to fix."

"…Dean, _please._"

"…He's missing you right now. He won't be back for a while but know that he loves you and misses you, all right sweetheart?"

"…"

"We wish we could stay. We'd stay forever if we could."

"…I know."

He's gone before she can try to cling on.

xxxxxx

_(Dean-33, Ruby-13)_

_"You travel a lot. You told me that once."_

_It was around six at night that fall day and if Ruby squinted her eyes just so, she could almost pretend there was a halo on top of Dean's head. (Blue hour did funny things to her). He never really spoke about what he did or where he went to when he went back to his own time and despite her parent's insistences that they weren't real…she sometimes liked to pretend he was her angel. It was silly and stupid she knew but it was so easy to see him that way._

_He looked up from where he was sitting and nodded. "Yeah, what of it sweetheart?"_

_"Well, where? What do you do for a living?"_

_"You know that, I – "_

_"Travel." She interjected with a tight smile. "Yeah, I know but travel where? What do you do when you're not with me?"_

_He kept her gaze at this and she could see in the indecision within his eyes. She did her best to keep the stare going because her dad had always told her that looking away first was a sign of weakness. Dean looked down at the grass. She frowned; her dad was wrong about a lot of things._

_"…I'm like your dad Ruby Anne."_

_She blinked, opened and closed her mouth a few times before it finally registered what he'd said. "You – you're a firefighter?" She asked and her voice, instead of being curious and light, came out weak and brittle. "Why couldn't you just tell me that?"_

_"No, Ruby sweetheart," When he tried to reach for her she pulled back, leaning closer into the tree trunk. She was glad it was so dark out; that way, he couldn't see the tears that threatened to slip down. If he was like her dad that meant that one day he was going to die in a blaze of fire and she'd never know because she can never keep him with her. He never stays._

_"I'm not a firefighter. I just…help people."_

_"How? Are you a cop?" Some air returned to her lungs._

_He sighed down into his hands before looking back up at her, a small smile tugging at his lips. "Sort of. More of a…vigilante."_

_Despite the confusion and anger coursing through her she managed a small laugh._

_"You're a criminal?"_

_She couldn't really be mad at him for that so instead of focusing on her anger, she focused on the stupidity of his answers. She was never all that good with being angry with him anyways._

_"No."_

_"Then what are you? Fighter for the weak and damned? Savior to the broken?"_

_She swallowed; the questions tasted like bile and blood and the expression on his face wasn't helping much. She didn't think she'd ever seen him look so haunted, so dead and drained. She didn't like it._

_"I protect. That's all. Nothing more to it." Was his short and choppy answer._

_She paused for a moment, took this in before asking her next question. "Does anyone know? What you do? That you help?"_

_"…No."_

_She frowned and leaned closer, hoping to provide some comfort. "That has to be lonely. Does Sam help?"_

_A flicker of a smile graced his lips. "Yeah, he does."_

_"…Why do you do it? If no one says thank you?"_

_He reached forward and slowly caught her chin in his palm. "Oh sweet Ruby Anne, so much to learn…"_

xxxxxx

Dean returns to her while her and Sam are in Massachusetts and are after a coven of witches and she's too tired to fight with him.

She passes over the jeans wordlessly and ignores the kiss he plants at the top of her head. "I missed you." He breathes into your neck and that's all it takes.

"Your deadline's almost here."

Silence.

"Rubes…"

"Which is something that I don't really understand considering the fact that I know you live to see thirty-five."

"Ruby – "

"And what happens if you jump the time your deal is due, huh? You going to go get ripped to shreds in front of little me? I don't remember that happening. Or what, you going to fuck up time again?"

"Ruby please – "

"No! You don't, you don't get to ask anything of me. I never signed up for this! This…losing you again wasn't part of it."

"Well do you think I asked for this? You come out of nowhere, saying we have this entire lifetime of memories together and I haven't experienced barely any of it yet. I've only seen you a couple dozen times so far and that's…Ruby, I don't know how I'm supposed to fix this."

"Well, find a way because you dying? …Never part of the plan."

She wakes up in the morning and he's gone.

xxxxxx

_(Dean-29, Ruby -13)_

_"Fuck, fuck, fuck…oh crap…okay Dean focus, focus. Crap, what year is this – "_

_"Hey Dean!"_

_The sudden voice seemed to startle her naked friend and before she knew it he was jumping in the air and backing away. He got as far as their tree before he remembered that he was naked and did his best to cover himself up._

_"Do you want pants or not? I've already seen it all thank you very much. I don't think you've yet to fully understand the kind of trauma I've been through around you."_

_He doesn't move._

_"I was kidding, geez." She snorted and made her way over to him since he wasn't giving any indication of moving soon._

_He backed away slowly and it took a few seconds before the recognition hit. "Ruby? Oh shit…oh fuck, fuck, fuck."_

_"You're not supposed to curse around me." She stated dryly, passing over the stack of clothing in her hands. He took in wearily and then backed away some more. "It's 2000 by the way. You look pretty confused."_

_He smiled hesitantly as he began to dress, all the while keeping an eye on her._

_"I'm guessing this is your first time? Here I mean."_

_A sharp nod._

_"Don't worry, it's okay." She gave what she hoped was a reassuring smile. "You done back there?"_

_Another unsteady nod._

_"Well then come on." She held out her hand to him, eyes bright and hopeful. It was another second before he took it._

xxxxxx

It's only been a few days and she doesn't bother to ask Sam because they both know he's at Bobby's.

The hunt ends with little complications, well minus the whole demon almost killing them both thing. If Elizabeth hadn't done that spell when she did…

After the witches, her and Sam head to Little Rock to deal with some voodoo shaman and the hunt's going fine and good until it isn't and she ends up with a poisoned Sam on her hands.

The drive to Bobby's seems to take forever and her hands are covered in blood and are shaking and she keeps telling Sam to stay awake and she tries calling but no one picks up and oh god she can't breathe.

They make it to South Dakota in record time and she all but crashes her precious Mustang into Bobby's pickup trunk as they pull in.

It all goes by fast and there are hands everywhere and blood and Sam coughing up more bodily fluids and moaning about the pain and _where the hell is Dean?_ Bobby's hesitant look answers for him.

Later, when it's all settled down and Sam's breathing again and the blood's cleaned up and Bobby's asleep, he returns to her.

Ruby gazes at him from the couch with tired eyes and sighs because she _is_ her mother. Waiting; always watching and waiting for him to return to her. They'll forever be out of sync and she doesn't know how to change that. How to handle that.

"When where you?"

He stops putting on his pants at that and walks a bit closer. As he gets nearer she sees the lightness in his eyes and knows it's her Dean. "'82. I was with little me."

She nods and leans forward, pulling from her bag her bowie knife and holding it tightly in her hands. "You give this to me. I'm twelve, I think. Maybe ten. I don't know anymore." She lets out a breath. "You say it'll protect me."

"…Ruby – "

"Those two years? That you were gone? They were hard. My parents didn't understand because how could they? How was I supposed to explain to them a traveling man?" She wipes away at the traitor tears. "They died on my nineteenth birthday, when a Wendigo interrupted our annual camping trip. It's how I met Bobby. He saved me."

His clears his throat and finishes zipping up his pants. All he can do is run a hand through his messy hair. "I didn't – I didn't know. I mean, future me maybe but I – "

"I know." She whispers softly and when her blue eyes catch his hazel ones, she can't keep the desperation out of them. "I became a hunter after and it was hard and I hated it but I did it and I called for you. I called and I know I shouldn't have but I did though. Every night. I waited for you to come, stupidly." A harsh, low breath. "I was so stupid."

"Sweetheart – "

"You told me you were a vigilante. That you helped people." A bitter laugh. "I thought you were a rogue cop."

He leans down in front of her and before she can pull away, he sets the knife down and takes her hands in his. They're cold.

"Ruby – "

"Don't leave me. Please don't leave me." She doesn't care how young and stupid she sounds because she needs him with her. Always. Forever. She can no longer handle just small undetermined snippets of time. She's not ten years old anymore. She needs it all.

"Okay, okay." He nods along with her tears and presses their foreheads together, kissing the wet trails away. "We're going to fix this."

She clings on.


End file.
